Stephen Boateng

I am a Ghanaian-American writer and educator in Atlanta. I came out at thirty-one to a family who eventually came around but took years to do it. I am married to my husband of twelve years. We are not raising children of our own; we are uncles, godfathers, and the chosen-family father figures to the children of friends and family. I have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out how to hold all of who I am — Black, African, African-American by lived experience, gay, married, Christian-raised and currently spiritually open — in the same body, in the same room, at the same dinner table.

I mentor queer Black and African-diaspora men in the same work. The brothers who come to me span the range. Brothers in their twenties figuring out how to come out to families they are not sure will hold them. Brothers in their thirties and forties in long partnerships, doing the work of partnership across the additional complexity our identities bring. Brothers in their fifties and sixties who came up in eras when being out was dangerous and are now navigating the late-career and pre-retirement years with histories they have rarely told anyone. Brothers in mixed marriages, where their partner is from a different cultural or racial background and the negotiations are even more complicated.

The work I do is largely conversational. I am not a clinician — for clinical work I refer to colleagues who specialize in LGBTQ-affirming therapy for Black men. What I do is mentor work in the long-arc sense. We meet regularly. We talk about what is on the brother's mind. I share what I have done, what I have seen other brothers do, what has worked, what has not. The brother does what is useful with the information.

The family-of-origin work is one of the most important pieces. Many brothers in this community have complicated relationships with their families. Some families have come around; some have not; some are stuck in a polite distance that is neither rejection nor acceptance. I do not push brothers toward any particular outcome with their families. I help them think through what they are willing to do, what the family is capable of, and what kind of relationship is sustainable for the long arc.

The partnership work is the other major piece. Brothers in long same-sex partnerships face the same challenges as brothers in long marriages — communication, money, intimacy across decades, the external pressures that test partnership. They also face specific challenges that the broader couples literature does not always address — the additional family-of-origin work for both partners, the legal-protection work that is sometimes more involved than it is for opposite-sex couples, the social context where the partnership is sometimes celebrated and sometimes not. I help brothers think through these specifics.

I do this work without charge. The reasons are mine and I do not put the same expectation on other mentors in the field. I keep a limited mentee load — eight to twelve active relationships at any time — and I rotate brothers through as the work matures. I work in English. I am based in Atlanta and meet brothers by video.

I am not the right mentor for every situation. Brothers in active mental-health crises need clinical care first. Brothers in active domestic-violence situations need safety planning first. Brothers looking for hookup coaching are not looking for the work I do; I will not pretend otherwise. For the brothers who are doing the long slow work of being who they are in the lives they have, I am glad to be one companion among several in that work.

If you are considering reaching out, write to me. Tell me where you are. I read every note. I respond when I can — within two weeks most of the time. The work of holding all of who you are is real work, and it is shared work, and there are brothers who have done it ahead of you and are willing to walk alongside.